Can you spell loser?

I can and its spelled zeke.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Wait let me rephrase that...I know what is wrong with me. Its called zero self confidence....I have Z-E-R-O...well at least when it comes to meeting women. I know I know....go ahead and put the brakes on what ever your comment is going to be about how I shouldn't worry about meeting women and how when the time comes I will meet the right one etc etc....that is not what I am talking about...well not really.
I just got home from a bar called the Peanut on Main. Every year on Labor day weekend they have a big out door part. Lots of people there....lots of women there...LOTS of good looking women there. How many did I talk to? Z-E-R-O. I was introduced to several by my buddies....what did I have to say? "hi.." then I was sudden distracted by my feet or what ever that thing is over there....sheesh...I just don't know.
Granted I did feel quite far out of my comfort zone, and there was lots of people...some times I don't do well with lots of people, didn't help that I was out of my comfort zone. I spent this winter going to the same bar talking to the same people and the whole time telling myself that once the weather got warmer and I could ride downtown to other bars I was going....it is not what is considered to be the last weekend of summer. How many trips to down town bars have I made? I can count them on one hand. I started off well...three drinks later I was on the down hill slope. Not getting drunk, just feeling out of place. Now the flip side is that I was with JT. JT pulls more trim than almost any guy I know, and for the most part (sorry El Jefe) is not what I would consider an attractive man. Now does he have confidence? Yes. Does he know how to talk to women? Yes. However doesn't he know how to introduce me to women...no not really. He introduced me to one gal (talk, good looking, dark haired...all good things) but by the time he finished his intro I was too embarrassed to even look her in the face. And she even hinted at being interested. I just don't know any more. My issues would make more sense to me if I was stoned or drunk but I wasn't. In some ways I try to blame it on the eye issue. Although for the most part people cant tell but some times I just feel like a stand out as some kind of handicapped (I feel bad just using that word) odd ball. I just don't do well. Put me in my "element" and can talk to any one. I guess tonight I just wasn't in my element. Early in the evening this topic came up. Another couple of buddies were there and I was looking around and pointing out some of the "talent" and when I was asked why don't I go talk to them, what was the answer? "If they are interested they will come to me. I don't chase." Boy, what a winning theory that is. A little back history. I didn't date much if at all in high school. Went to college and it was crazy, I came out of my shell so to speak. Women everywhere and the best part? I didn't have to chase, for some reason they came to me (fresh meat freshman...yes I was and it went on for years!). Dating wasn't even an option, either I went home with them that night or I didn't, end of story (and yeah I know I was a male whore). After college the few women that I dated pretty much came after me. I don't remember how or why exactly but I know that I haven't really ever felt like I need to pursue. Even in the last couple of years I have hooked up with women but they, once again, are not women that I have chased. They came to me. Granted this has its up side. If woman comes to you then she already knows what she wants, and since I don't have any idea what I really want that is a good thing.
I don't know and I don't know why today of all days this is bothering me. It just really got under my skin and the solo ride home thinking about how stupid it is made it worse. Realistically I don't want or need a woman in my life. That would require change on my part. Plus I would have to share my bed some times and I am way to comfortable alone. The few times I have had lady visitors its great...until the morning. Then my whole morning routine is jacked up and I am back to feeling weird and uncomfortable.
Sheesh...that's it, I give up. I am better off hiding at home alone with my whiskey and my bad porn.