Monday, March 24, 2008

Sprialing into depression but I think we have made it to the other side

Sorry there haven't been many post as of late.
The only topic I seem to have on my mind as of late is my disappointment with how things are going with my job.
Not the kind of dirty laundry really I want to air here (especially since I know people in my company read this).
I will say that I am having serious doubts that I will be employed by my current employer (I have worked there the last 8 years) by this time next year.
I will either be fired or I will quit.
I certainly hope I am wrong. Most days I like my job and I would like to believe that I am good at it.
I think the most frustrating part is that store policies and regulations are set by people that don't even work in our store or even live in our state. They are trying to make everything the same here as it is there.
I don't know if this is a good idea. Our market is different than the market in Colorado, or Ohio, or North Carolina.
But what do I know? I am simply a poorly educated schmuck who should consider himself lucky to work there at all.
Maybe its just simply bad timing.
Dropping new store policies on us right as the season gets rolling. As if there isn't enough going on dealing with the fresh rush or customers and product, training new people and getting our ducks in a row. Tack on these new rules and store policies that supposedly have always been there and everyone is in a tizzy.
For me personally this is compounded with the realization this last week that I am not really friends with any one I work with.
Some of them were my friends but now they are simply co-workers.
I don't hang out with or even ride with anyone I work with anymore.
Not that they aren't fine people or they have changed since we work together.
Mostly the problem is me.
It never used to be this way.
When I started in the bike biz it was with old college buddies. If we weren't at work together we were riding, drinking, or simply hanging out together. Our little group of guys all met and rode together in college and then all ended up at the same bike shop. We like to believe that it was us that spurned out shops growth here locally.
We were all so excited about bikes and our excitement excited other people to ride. I just remember having so much fun going to work.
But times change. We all get older, grow apart, move on to other things.
I find myself wondering more and more what it would be like if I could afford to quit, pack my stuff up in a van and move to a new life and adventure in a new city.
This thinking also comes with its own set of problems.
Where do I go?
Where do I live?
What would I do for a job? I don't think of myself to be very employable... I don't have very many if any job skills. I believe I only have a job I have because of the friends that used to work there.
Then there is the whole meeting new people thing...finding a place to fit in... I am not good at that either.
I have been told most of my problems all start with me.
I am my own worst enemy.
I am plagued constantly with self doubt and insecurity.
I have been this way most of my life. I am not sure why. I am told that I am like able enough and I do have friends. But its been some time since I have had the kind of friendship with anyone similar to ones I remember from my past. Or maybe it isn't that those friendships don't exist as much as it is that they don't exist here.
At least not anymore.
Maybe I spend too much time alone.
Maybe I need a woman.
Maybe I just need to go for a ride.
Maybe I need to ride more often.
Maybe I should stop thinking so much.
Maybe if I just relax it will all be OK.
Maybe I should stop this rant because its only making me depressed...

I had to walk away from this post for a while.
Take a break, make some dinner, do some reading, flip some channels.
I was starting on the downward spiral of depression and that is not where I want to go.
And I certainly don't want to take you with me.
I wasn't intending to start a pity party when I started this post an hour or so ago.
Besides, I need to hit the bed in a good mood tonight.
I plan on getting up and out early. Motoring out east to Landahl where the trails are finally dry.
I haven't been on my 29er yet this season. The trails have just been to wet.
HSP's Spoke Pony Showdown 3/6 has been rescheduled for this Saturday the 29th.
I plan to "race" provided that I don't get sucked into working the store (oops there we go again... slowly back away, slowly back away...).
I say "race" because with my poor fitness and lack of riding as of late I will be lucky to do more than a couple of laps. Let alone doing laps for 3 hours or 6 if I do the Duo.
But we shall see
I can't wait to rip it up tomorrow for a couple of hours.
Here's to hoping I don't over sleep!

*Ya know... I wasn't sure that I was even going to post the first part of this.
But ya know what?
I feel much better now that I have vented.
Sorry to take you though all that muck.
Its more for me than for you.
Thanks for reading*


the Gimp said...

Sounds like me circa 2001... actually, sounds a lot like me now, aside from not being employed SINCE 2001, AND living in a foreign country.

You got it easier than some, and harder than others. Just remember you're the O-E-Z and you'll get thru it just fine.

sydney_b said...

A good 5-10 minute pity party is OK. Sounds like you need a project, a "why" for what you're doing.

Take the moving idea... sounds great. You could even reinvent yourself. Instead of being someone who doesn't meet people easily... (which I don't think is true, btw) and be someone who does.

(not hard. When you encounter someone you think might be interesting, identify why you think that, and then go tell them and work in some open ended questions. Pretty soon they're talking and think you're fantastic because you might be the only person who's listened to them with genuine interest in days or weeks.)

Anyway, you could keep yourself busy and perhaps come to appreciate the where you currently live in a new way, by doing the research it would take to make a move.

Make your list of requirements...
Me... when my lease is up, I'm going to move closer to downtown BUT... the place needs to meet some requirements beyond the price.. Near to a bus route with 30 min service, preferably within 20 min walking distance of a grocery, eastern exposure for bedroom or kitchen (morning person), deck or area where I can grow kitchen herbs, place to put bike stuff, covered deck or porch a big plus... I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the idea. This activity not only helps me appreciate what I have right now, but helps ensure that the move will be an improvement and I won't end up wishing I hadn't. :)

Anyway, if you do it for a city, then you will either find you need to work where you're at another year in order to afford it, or that where you're at isn't so bad and there's lots good about it. And finally, it'll keep your mind off moping. Go ride your bike and do something fun on it or get crazy and do something u usually don't .. say take a TT bike out for a spin. I'm grinning just thinking about you in your Evil gear on a TT bike. :D

One Eyed z said...

Oh yeah I got it rough ;)
I think really its my normal spring post winter depression.
I am actually friends with some of the guys I work with. We just don't hang out out side of work like co-workers in the past.
I just need to suck it up a bit. Nothing that is happening at work in unreasonable and I can deal with it all. Mostly I think it is the dropping all these policy reminders on us right when we are starting to get busy and have plenty of stuff going already with out that small hassel.

Oh and Sidney picture me in my Evil skin suit on a TT bike. Maybe even with an areo helment. That should get you giggling.

Anonymous said...

My friend, you're certainly likeable enough. People love you.

You'll get through it, you've gotten through a lot worse. Don't forget all the people that were pulling for you a few years ago.

If you want to move... figure it out and move. It's tough, but it's surmountable, most things are.